Thursday, December 30, 2010

Happy New Year to All

Christmas and New year celebrations have really lifted my spirits. I am really surprised that I am signing off a rather disappointing year on a very positive note. There comes time when one gets tired and looks away from all realities and chaos of one's life. I now accept chaos and absurdity as only norms.

I am going for my daily walk and looking at life from a safe distance. I make no plans when I leave the house but most of the times my feet take me to bookshops. I have added more books to my collection. One day I took my son to an art gallery and had great time watching him watch huge canvasses, riot of colors and sculptures. His interpretation and perception is very unbiased and different. It was an inaugural day of an exhibition and even artists were keen to know which picture captivated his attention the most.

I also watched an extraordinary bilingual movie, Arekti Premer Galpo (Just Another Love Story) based on lives of two cross-dressing transsexuals. It was the first time I went alone to a modern multiplex to watch a movie. It reminded me of good old days when I use to go out and watch classics in international film festivals, movie-clubs. Only the feeling of excitement and anticipation was missing but movie truly surprised me. Probably because it projected vulnerability of an individual as strength and suffering of transsexuals and homosexuals too was viewed in a wider context. It hit the bulls eye, the problem truly lies in human society which enjoys to marginalize and oppress the minority of all kinds. Its a sick perverse society which enjoys stoning others for pleasure and leisure.

Last week I was shocked to read about Iranian director Jafar Panahi being sent to prison and banned from making films because he tried to project reality through his movies. I often watch his movies on one of the TV channels and they are amazing small magical parables which essentially explore ideas of freedom and independence of an individual.  Then came the news that Dr. Binayak Sen has been sentenced to life imprisonment on the charges of sedition. How many more creative, compassionate souls will be crucified by the State? Why 'Power' invariably gives birth to demons? Kudos to these brave hearts who will continue their good work even from prison. No one can imprison good compassionate human soul.

I have no expectations from next year, no resolutions either. Like the famous song goes, Whatever Will be, Will be.

Wish you all a very Happy New Year!!!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Not an Ordinary Year


I am watching another year go by. This year was not like rest years of my life. I faced many a storms including painful episodes of my mother shifting out to stay alone at the age of seventy and my son’s abuse in school. Life humbled me a lot in this one year; it stripped me of my confidence, creativity, sanity and even support systems. You can say I have lost most of my treasures including my peace of mind. Sad part is I can’t even comprehend or count my precious losses.

I don’t want to spend last few remaining days of the year counting my losses. But some images will certainly haunt me forever. Images of my bent mother bending to show me gratitude, my terrorized son pleading desperately not to send him to school after his class teacher had abused him, a young relative transforming into someone else and vanishing into dark world. Most importantly, I will never forget my helplessness and  suicidal rage in the face of it all.

My only solace is I did what I could for my mother and my little son. But I have lost my complete trust and faith in humanity and human kindness I must  mention silver linings of this dark year – few friends who believed me and gave me courage to hang on, my son’s new school which opened doors to me as well and great authors and musicians who illuminated my darkest nights.

Biggest realization has been, one really has to face music alone in life. Life is a solo performance. I am so often tempted to end this disappointing solo act but I cannot, I have one important audience, my cheerleader and supporter, my little son.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

A Journey


A Journey
Why? evolves to
Why not?
Hopeful becomes
Hopeless
Meaningful dissolves
Into Meaningless
A journey from
Evolution to
Dissolution?

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Milan Kundera and Being

After many days I found a book which I read through day and night without a wink of sleep or sense of fatigue. Milan Kundera has that ability to take readers on an imaginative trip while keeping them rooted in the reality of human existence. Immortality is a novel, but through it he has explored many philosophical questions which are unavoidable.

What I liked about the book is his ability to create characters and give them a modern life full of modern dilemmas. It is a novel within novel which is created out of one single gesture of a woman. So we see birth of Agnes, a very real but fictional character and her life journey becomes our own. People created around Agnes are interesting too because they are so real with real eccentricities, obsessions and fixations. This book is a meditation about life, death, being, love, sex, immortality, human memory, human mind and manipulations and human indulgences like music, literature, art and even war.

What I simply enjoyed reading was the conversation between Hemingway and Goethe in the other world. They are taking a walk in the other world long after their deaths and they discuss the images they have left behind. Images, which have made them immortal but over which they no longer have any control. We actually see a flip side of immortality.

Milan Kundera reduces great men and art to images and even imitations of themselves. All philosophy, literature, music, art is a mirror to view the human world but he also questions the validity of that very mirror and what it reflects. At one point, all the past understanding of human nature and life by great men actually looks like a baggage we can do without because it hardly comes to any aid when we face real existential dilemmas.

I also believe in what he says about importance of chance and coincidence. Isn't it a coincidence that when I was thinking about death and immortality I came across Immortality and Milan Kundera's reflections on the subject? The book made me laugh, wonder, ponder and observe human life from a happy distance.

It is also a happy coincidence and chance that I can share my ramblings without any inhibitions with some friends and strangers who chance upon it.Yes, please forgive me for my imperfect English, I am a bad editor with a lazy brain. I know, it is no excuse, but right now I want to ramble for no particular reason, maybe a time will come when I will start editing my sentences before hitting 'Publish Post'. Right now, the state of mind I am in, each blog is my momentary death, I have no wish to become immortal.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Facebook and Immortality

Recently I re-activated my facebook account after a gap of few months. This was the second time I was doing so. I like this control option of facebook because it lets me disappear from public eye and what I like more is every time I re-activate I hardly notice any change. Some 'friends' and their wall updates just remain the same which almost implies our social behaviour and the image we project to the world by sharing links, views hardly ever changes. This gives me a sense of permanency in the world where everything is so fleeting and transient.

Social media has made it possible to live out our lives in open. We can choose any mask to hide our ugly spots and create an illusion that we are what we project to be. But there are many brazen and bold people who just let their thoughts and ideas flow freely in public domain. I had one such 'friend' on facebook. A New York based blogger shared even little moments of his routine life on facebook. I was a not keen follower of his blog, website nor an active friend on facebook or twitter. I don't think i ever interacted with him except for accepting his friend request. But still through his regular updates he let me have  a glimpse of his life, his thoughts and his amazing essays. It was extremely generous of him. His social media skills were awesome because he had more than 2000 friends and followers on facebook and blogs. He was one of the friends whose updates I subconsciously expected but didnt really look forward to. His presence was so distant that when I re-activated my facebook I really didn't miss his updates for few days, but someone really seemed missing from my facebook.

Two days ago I was 'editing' my friends list and I saw his name. Even when I clicked on his name I was thinking he must have put up link of his new essay on art, literature or an update about his daily walk to bookstore to read New York Times. But what I saw on his profile page numbed me. His wall was full of condolence messages and obituary links. It took me a while to comprehend that he had died. I went back in time to look for his last update and it was indeed about his regular walk for coffee and New York Times. After that there were messages confirming his death. It was so unexpected and I really wanted to reach out to know what had happened and I had no other option but to send a message to his facebook account itself. I really hoped someone had access to his account but now it seems highly unlikely.

It is a new reality that our virtual personas and identities will outlive all of us. There is no way to know about death in advance and we won't even get time to de-activate our accounts or put up a farewell note. These social media accounts and walls will be our tombstone and epitaphs, which we will not be around to see or read.  Ofcourse human memory is short and a person does get erased but still we can leave behind our virtual footprint if we want to.

Now I have a non-existent person on my friends list and it really seems absurd to delete him. His virtual footprints on social media sites and most importantly his thoughts, ideas, writings have remained and they have made him immortal. I admire his family, friends and colleagues efforts to maintain his websites. Everything is there except him.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Sacrificial Lambs - A Quiet Journey to the Platter

Last night I took a tram ride with my son and as it passed through the old part of the city, under a flyover, we saw goats, lambs and cows in large numbers huddled together. The place was crowded and it looked like Sunday cattle market.

As the tram passed close to them, I saw their brilliant dark eyes and innocent faces. Did they know their fate? None of them struggled desperately to be free. Maybe they trusted their masters. Sometimes price of trust is too high!

I felt weird to be witness to their last moments of life. Some of them were fidgeting for no reason, others were calling out, some were looking for a tiny blade of grass on that concrete roadside. They were all very much alive, almost defining Life. My son wanted to bring one home as pet. I glanced helplessly at hundreds of them. Did I see or imagine fear in their eyes?

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Cinderella

These days I spin luxury blogs for some websites. It is certainly not easy to spin a yarn about luxury yachts, top fashion brands, top luxury hotels and all the extreme indulgences of the rich. But its work and a good escape too - I get to go on a virtual trip. I walk down fashion streets of best cities where brands open new stores and I can go sea faring too.

Yesterday I was amused to read and write about some super luxury shoe brand's plan of opening a new store in Beijing and not only that, they are planning to change designs to suit tastes of the east. Yes, China is opening doors to them all but it still has iron walls. Hong Kong, Shanghai are leaving Japan, US behind in luring investments and brands. What do we call communists in power with capitalist wealth? No wonder China is furious about Nobel Peace price being given to jailed human rights activist, even countries need to maintain brand images and reputations these days.

I often think about Cinderella story, there was a Prince who went in search of  her, but I doubt whether these luxury brands, super rich will ever go in search of poverty stricken beauties like Haiti. Of course luxury world and celebrities do a lot of charity work, they donate money and they mobilize lot of funds but it never really reaches the distressed. Money circulates only in certain orbits.

I watch rich people's world which has both means and ends and I glance at Haiti's news where earthquake victims still don't have a shelter. Rich business houses are the true winners - they make money, they create means to spend more money and thus money is kept in circulation within rich and if possible they siphon off more money from wannabe middle class, neo rich and even poor farmers. There is very little scope of trickling it down ever thanks to geopolitical and economic state of the world. The only hope for uneducated poor are the reality shows which can turn their life around. Yes, fairy tales do happen in this world where billionaires are important than the billions.

Have you ever tried traveling from Haiti to China via US and Europe without moving an inch? I am sorry, I have turned into a bad tired rambler...I must sleep.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Daily Life

Big Fish, Tiny Fish
Moving behind glass
Going in Circles
Watching
Room
People
Going in Circles


Daily Life
Goes on
No Beginnings
No Ends
Only New replacing
Old


Planet Spins
Goes in Circles
Moon Spins
And Goes in Circles too
Just like Thoughts
All Meaningless
But they 
Exist


Daily Life
Goes on in Circles
Even after
Exit

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Human Relations and Schrodinger's Cat

I feel human relations are paradoxical like the hypothetical Schrodinger's Cat. The moment you want to make measurement and poke it you realize its either dead or alive. Maybe its best to let it be, know its there and feel its presence. Why open the box when one of the possibilities is definitely hideous?

Some courageous, curious souls often open the boxes only to find the cat dead and for some lucky souls it comes alive to give company and warmth. But then when is the cat ever real?

My Daily Walk

For some reason and at times for no reason I have started stepping out everyday for a walk or a bus ride. I like watching life and seeing faces which hide their life history and stories. No, I don't even want to attempt reading minds or talking to strangers but still I like observing and connecting to life...

One day I did not get a seat in the bus and as I stood I felt someone moving closely behind me. I felt disgusted. I turned around with anger and was shocked to see this tall well built tough looking man sobbing and trembling. His body was shaking uncontrollably. He glanced at me for a second and moved away but yet his sobbing continued. I moved away too but I kept glancing at him. He was not answering calls, he didn't care where he was and who was around him and seemed really heartbroken.  He answered only one call and said he was on his way and they should wait for him. Probably he had lost someone very close and dear. I looked away and let him have his private moment of grief in the over crowded bus. Sometimes crowd gives us privacy which privacy of home denies.

Yesterday I was again in a bus and this time I was in no mood to glance at life around me. Suddenly a small girl broke my silence and cycle of thoughts. She was traveling with her mother and had no inhibitions and her round big eyes had lots of questions. She asked me, 'Where are you going?' I told her the place. She immediately corrected my pronunciation. Then she again demanded, "What is there in the place where you are going?" Next question was, "Where did you go?" "What was there in the place you went to?" I was getting annoyed but she was so full of joy and laughter that I didn't want to be rude to her. She kept on talking and smiling and I kept answering patiently. Suddenly she asked, "Don't you know how to get angry and show your big eyes to people who trouble you?" I told her, "No". Then she quickly turned to me and said, "Wait, let me teach you".  She enacted range of emotions and showed me how to show anger and how to make scary faces to scare people away. In that crowded bus that little angel taught me an important lesson of life.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The Haunted Old Mall

Like any other city of the world, Calcutta has undergone change and there are many new swanky shopping malls everywhere. These modern shopping malls have become a rage among young shoppers and why not? They offer best of brands and products at best prices and plus there are food courts, restaurants to hang out.

Any change is good but I feel very sad when I enter old shopping zones of the city which are probably more than hundred years old. The New Market is one such place which has shops selling almost everything including awesome bakery products. The old building with ancient architecture is very compelling but the emptiness there is so haunting. Just other day, couple of years ago it was difficult to step in to New Market during peak shopping seasons. 

Yesterday out of pure impulse I walked into another old, once famous a.c market and my immediate urge was to run out of there. It was swanky and clean but very empty. It seemed as though I was the only shopper who had entered the place since morning and the very moment I stepped in all shop keepers starting shouting out loud to get my attention. There was an escalator which was not working, so I decided to take stairs to check out the other floors. But the moment I turned away from escalator it started moving and it took me a while to realize that there was a man sitting there to operate it every time a shopper stepped on it. It came across more as cost cutting measure than energy saving one. It was the same story on the first floor - many small shops and no buyers. Shopkeepers looked desperate to sell but it was scary and I felt like a prey being hounded by many predators.I ran out.

The emptiness, the sudden moment of escalator and voices calling out kept haunting me through the day.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Floating in Space

Why is it hard to believe that I am indeed floating in empty space?
We are on a free trip around the sun remember?

Is it only gravity that keeps us glued?
Is only gravity that defines our weight?

I look at the stars in the dark night
To remind myself that dark space around me is empty and not dense

Then why does it seem so dense?
So suffocating?

I struggle to stand out
I struggle to feel special

Its a momentary struggle
Lasting a lifetime only for me

Nameless faceless
I stand glued to this blue planet
As it takes me on a free ride around the sun